Same Ole Resolution - New Year

So, this year will be focus on only two things - yes... Two... Things... The first one is more difficult than the second.  It's exercise.  In this last year I've worked on my inner health and my emotional health.  Now it's time to work on my physical health.  My boyfriend thinks I'm going to be running marathons in a month, but he is sadly mistaken.  I'll be walking for about 30-45 for the first couple of weeks getting myself up to an hour and then adding walking on my lunch.  Once I've added the walking, I will have added the stairs and bike at the gym and hopefully also my BeachBody and maybe even Zumba.  All of this.... for a trip to HI in the summer.  This isn't to look hot in a bikini.  Those days are long gone.  It's for the stamina when walking up Diamond Head or when kayaking to rock island with the kids.  I've got plans and I'm not about to be the one to blow the family vacation.

The second "goal" of the year is Learning. Me. Some. Spanish. Finally!!!  I have the Rosetta Stone, but I'm always so gosh darned tired when I get home.  As soon as my body really does acclimate to these darned meds I'm GOING TO LEARN SPANISH fluently.

'Nuff said.

New Blog Alert

I've created a new blog that is designated as my spot for dp (depression).  Check it out if you need some validation to your crazy thoughts.  You aren't alone.  Trust me.  You AREN'T alone.  There aren't enough blogs that support Mental Health and some of the side effects. My specific side effect - I was only able to fine one blog and it hasn't had a current post in over a year (maybe even longer) so... this is the only time I'm going to advertise for it since it's a sensitive nature.  Here's the address:  http://meandmydoubled.blogspot.com/  I'll try to bring humor to a very serious issue - mental health

The Big D.... No the other Big D....epression

Raise your hand if you have depression.  Come on, raise them.  Nobody is going to see you.  Well, I do... the kind that that has required me to see a doctor and take meds.  I'm okay with it because it has made me a stronger and more empathetic person unless I'm in a mood.  The "moods" don't happen often - and by moods I mean pissed off.

So I've had my depression my whole entire life which is almost half a century.  But although I knew I dealt with bouts of depression through my life, until several years back I didn't know I had the permanent biological kind.  Like I'll always be on medicine kind.  No biggie for me.  Well, actually it was when I first found out.  One day, I'll explain all of this she-it, but today I'm going to just talk about this Christmas season.

So to catch up to today, recently I've discovered that my dp is more severe than first diagnosed and has developed into physical symptoms (another conversation for another post).  So to say that I've had a lot going on lately is an understatement.  Well part of my dp is that I can't be around a lot of people - something about me being introverted and all.  People drain me of my super power.  They are my kryptonite.

In the last week, I have had a group Christmas party, my kids over (love the rugrats that have now grown into not-so-bad teens), family gift exchange and Christmas at mom's.  Most people would say, that's not a lot and it sounds like fun.  Yes it does and it was, but fun doesn't mean not exhausting. Every day after an event I've been more and more exhausted.  Well yesterday, being Christmas and all, I left my mom's while I was still feeling good, but before the kryptonite took over.  Good thing I did because once I got home (after the three hour drive) at 5pm all I could think of was that I needed to sleep. 

I did sleep too;  from 6pm until 6am.  I would have slept longer too had I not needed to work today.  I was quite impressed with myself too.  Until I was on my lunch and then realized that I just didn't know what I felt like, but it just wasn't right.  After taking note of what my feelings were, I realized it was a void that I was feeling.  I felt a complete void - empty inside. Thankfully I don't need feelings for work, so I was able to get through my work day without a hitch. 

Later I was driving home and felt like I wanted to hide in a cave for a few days (Claire if you are reading this let me know if you have room).  Actually I felt like I was walking on a wall during a windy day and was teetering between falling over to depression or just the void of earlier and that the wind that was blowing was blowing towards depression.  That is the best analogy to give regarding this feeling.

I decided that instead of allowing it to take over, I'd document it.  And to be honest it did help.  It redirected my db.  Depression isn't a thought.  I can't think myself out of it and make myself feel better.  I live with it and make the most of my life.  I manage my life around it and take medicine to balance my chemistry so that it doesn't affect my everyday life.

Nope, It's not contagious

So... I've been sick this week....  Tuesday, I felt like I had the weight of the world on my chest... I stayed home that day, but it was because I thought my depression was in full attack.  And I had the most wonderful sleep of all time - considering I was awake that day maybe a total of 5 hours.

So come Wednesday, I went to work completely rested, but couldn't stop sneezing, coughing, sniffling. I then though "Wow, maybe I was sick yesterday".  Then comes Thursday...

Thursday, I have a dry cough, my chest feels like an elephant is sitting on it. Every time I cough, I feel like my ribs are going to break and I can't take complete breaths.  What to you mean by that, you may be asking??? Well, I couldn't talk without having to take many controlled pauses for catching my breath.  And every time I try to take a real breath I have to cough because I just can't do it.So I decide to go Urgent Care (because the non permanent employees don't have insurance). So I'm getting my check-up and am worried that I have bronchitis or pneumonia...

Nope, I was having an asthma attack... An all day Asthma Attack!  Oh my gosh!  How awful is that!  Thank goodness I have the smarts to realize that to panic and get excited about not being able to breathe would only make it worse.  So a shot of steroids and a 10 minutes nebulizer session later, I'm able to breathe again.  It has never felt soooo good to breathy - EVER!

Now, everything is loosening up,  I'm getting to use my albuterol and I'm just pooped, but at least I'm not contagious.

p.s. I inquired why the sniffing, sneezing and coughing.... apparently I also have allergies... 45 yrs old and didn't know I have allergies.  Oy Vey!

It's all in how you carry it out...

I constantly have conversations in my head...  The problem is... my face also reflects the conversations.  This is only a problem when you forget you are in public and realize that somebody may have seen you.

Weight Loss

I like it, but I’m in between sizes.  I can either wear clothes that are way too tight for me or are falling off me.  See… my body shape is a wide.  Even if I lose weight, I’ve got curves so I’m always going to be a wide/curvaceous… But wide is only made in certain sizes and I’ve shrunken out of those sizes now.  So…. What to do??? Wear the next size down and have disgusting muffin top or wear the size that I just grew out of and look I don’t know how to dress my body?

Happy Holidays???

Merry Christmas

Happy Hanukah

Kwanzaa

Eid Mubarak

 

Winter Solstice

Boxing Day

 

Santa Claus

Season’s Greetings

Happy Holidays

These are just a few greetings for this time of year.  I’d like to preface today’s blog with my apologies ahead of time.  My intention is NEVER to offend.  But I have the feeling that I may hurt a few feelings or just ruffle a few feathers.  But please hear me out before you judge.

I hate… I mean HATE… all the spams I get regarding any greeting other than Merry Christmas.  First reason… I hate redundancy.  Redundancy because I’d say about 70-80% of the people I know espouse that we should be stating Merry Christmas in honor of the birth of Christ.  Well… Christ wasn’t born on December 25, but I totally get the symbolism.  I grew up Roman Catholic.  WE get the symbolism.  That being said, how many people do I know that aren’t even practicing Christians and just shout out that sentiment?  I don’t mean those of you that truly do live within the boundaries of the 10 commandments and actually practice what they preach.  I respect you guys.  I’m referring to all my other acquaintances, friends and even… just maybe…. Family.  Sorry… 

I don’t know about you, but I was raised that my religion was the religion above all.  That there is only one person above me, my mom/dad and my grandparents.  That was God himself.  But… I don’t know about you guys, but I was also taught that God is all forgiving and loves all His creatures: regardless of the size, shape, creed, color, taste in music, style in clothes and sexual preferences.  Okay… so I may be adlibbing a bit, but you get the picture.

I was brought up by strong catholic women in my life who taught me to treat everybody as equals – until they do you wrong – and even then, still love and forgive them.  By my dad, I was taught to learn about other religions and be open to other ways of thinking.  This combination may have screwed me up a bit… but that’s another conversation for another day.  LOL…

So… If we should love and respect others, why can’t we celebrate all the different “holidays” in December equally?  I try to acknowledge all the holidays individually, but I’ve resorted to saying Happy Holidays and now am made to feel guilty about it.  I shouldn’t.  So stop pushing the spam down my throat.  I do have friends that are from all over the world and have varying religions or outlooks on life.  Please allow me to respect their celebrations, by respecting my greetings.  So regardless, wether you celebrate the birth of Christ, Old Saint Nick, Santa Claus, Hanakuh, Kwanzaa, Eid Mubarak, Winter Solstice or don’t even celebrate, when I say Happy Holidays, just smile and say your greeting back at me with love and sincerity behind the words, not as a venomous lesson.