Thursday, December 26, 2013

The Big D.... No the other Big D....epression

Raise your hand if you have depression.  Come on, raise them.  Nobody is going to see you.  Well, I do... the kind that that has required me to see a doctor and take meds.  I'm okay with it because it has made me a stronger and more empathetic person unless I'm in a mood.  The "moods" don't happen often - and by moods I mean pissed off.

So I've had my depression my whole entire life which is almost half a century.  But although I knew I dealt with bouts of depression through my life, until several years back I didn't know I had the permanent biological kind.  Like I'll always be on medicine kind.  No biggie for me.  Well, actually it was when I first found out.  One day, I'll explain all of this she-it, but today I'm going to just talk about this Christmas season.

So to catch up to today, recently I've discovered that my dp is more severe than first diagnosed and has developed into physical symptoms (another conversation for another post).  So to say that I've had a lot going on lately is an understatement.  Well part of my dp is that I can't be around a lot of people - something about me being introverted and all.  People drain me of my super power.  They are my kryptonite.

In the last week, I have had a group Christmas party, my kids over (love the rugrats that have now grown into not-so-bad teens), family gift exchange and Christmas at mom's.  Most people would say, that's not a lot and it sounds like fun.  Yes it does and it was, but fun doesn't mean not exhausting. Every day after an event I've been more and more exhausted.  Well yesterday, being Christmas and all, I left my mom's while I was still feeling good, but before the kryptonite took over.  Good thing I did because once I got home (after the three hour drive) at 5pm all I could think of was that I needed to sleep. 

I did sleep too;  from 6pm until 6am.  I would have slept longer too had I not needed to work today.  I was quite impressed with myself too.  Until I was on my lunch and then realized that I just didn't know what I felt like, but it just wasn't right.  After taking note of what my feelings were, I realized it was a void that I was feeling.  I felt a complete void - empty inside. Thankfully I don't need feelings for work, so I was able to get through my work day without a hitch. 

Later I was driving home and felt like I wanted to hide in a cave for a few days (Claire if you are reading this let me know if you have room).  Actually I felt like I was walking on a wall during a windy day and was teetering between falling over to depression or just the void of earlier and that the wind that was blowing was blowing towards depression.  That is the best analogy to give regarding this feeling.

I decided that instead of allowing it to take over, I'd document it.  And to be honest it did help.  It redirected my db.  Depression isn't a thought.  I can't think myself out of it and make myself feel better.  I live with it and make the most of my life.  I manage my life around it and take medicine to balance my chemistry so that it doesn't affect my everyday life.

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